#word-junkies

"Great earrings would be little speakers, so she can hear better. Or maybe she just wasn’t listening all those times I told her I loved her."

"Snow is not microwave friendly. In fact, snow is not too friendly at all, unless you first buy it a few beers. Then it’s just downright slutty."

"I want to love you down. I want to love you deep. I want to love you up. And I want to love you width all my heart. Now that is #4DFeeling."

"My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him."

"I spray-paint my underwear gold, because it makes me feel like a winner. When two people are in love, one is always in second place."

"She's beautiful, but so what? If the University of Florida taught me anything, it's that beautiful women are everywhere. The trick is to find the diamond among all the glittering cubic zirconias."

"I’ll cut jewels in the shape of crumpled-up pieces of paper. Her wedding ring may look like my 33rd attempt at my marriage vows."

"When it’s raining, instead of using an umbrella, try holding an empty drinking glass above your head. That’s exactly how I thirst for your love."

"She had coffee-colored eyes, if java were blue-green, and we made love like nobody was watching, which is probably why the audience demanded a refund for our poor performance."

"Is your Happy Meal full of dancing? Put a box around it and sell it to kids. They could use the exercise."

"My heart is locked away in a cage surrounded by ribs. That’s to protect it, and to keep the world safe. It’s currently serving a life sentence."

"I want to start a business making mint-flavored sunshine that comes in a can half full of meow-free rainbows. (Leprechauns sold separately.)"

"My love is pizza shaped. Won’t you have a slice? It’s circular, so there’s enough to go around."

"I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes it to a whole new level."

"The sunset sky fades from blue to orange over Gainesville, Florida, and what I lost is less than what I gained. I gained love, I lost love, and if could do it all again, I would."

"The word long is short, and so is the word short, but why is the word love as long as long? Shouldn’t it be longer?"

"Love is a boomerang dripped in honey, in that it emanates from me just as surely as it will return to me. Still, I think I’d much rather wash my hands and be done with it."

"A tree with red leaves is like an old man with gray hair. Likewise, my love for you was blue, but now it’s orange, and that’s a compliment."

"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"

"I didn’t tackle him. I gave him a flying hug. Sometimes love is up in the air until it hits you."