#word-junkies

"I’m half chameleon, half camouflage, and wholly in love with you, though you’d never be able to see it."

"Is your Happy Meal full of dancing? Put a box around it and sell it to kids. They could use the exercise."

"My feet are dense with dance. I move like I’m wearing concrete boots and I’m trying to tread water. If the music is salsa, I may start gargling."

"Be memorable. Say something unforgettable. Be silent."

"My I love yous were watered down, which was how I was able to grow such a beautiful garden. I’m a relationship farmer, and I’m growing as a person."

"As a rule of thumb, hitchhiking is no fun. If you’re going to stand around waiting to move, you may as well get paid to hold a pawnshop sign."

"There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants."

"I went to a potluck. I brought my own pot—and luck. The pot was empty, just like my promise to bring food the next time."

"During my darkest hour, life threw me some curves. Thankfully they were in the shape of a woman’s body."

"I peddle my wares as fast as I pedal my bicycle and petal my flowers, and that’s why my sales growth seems so slow. But given time, my brand will be in full bloom."

"Half-assing it twice isn’t giving it 100%, but both can be yours for the one-time low-price of half off. Also on SALE now: My love. Order yours today."

"Both of the items were used in an attempted murder, but hers was a dagger, and mine was a baby’s rubber bottle nipple. That was the last time I took a stab at love."

"Under the guise of being nice guys, the central bankers have done to the people what no army in history has been evil enough to do."

"Roses may say “I love you,” but the cactus says “Fuck off."

"Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart."

"I am restless when I rest. I sleep like I’m engaged in an invisible wrestling match. Naturally, I almost always win."

"I let wine breathe. And I hold my breathe, so it can get all the air."

"Every guy says he's not like every guy, thus proving he is like every guy. Show me a guy who's different, and I'll tell you to stop pointing at me."

"The sunset sky fades from blue to orange over Gainesville, Florida, and what I lost is less than what I gained. I gained love, I lost love, and if could do it all again, I would."

"White letters plus white paper equals invisibility. Just because you can’t see my love for you, doesn’t mean I didn’t write about it."