humor

"Humor is an antidote to all ills."

"Love conquers all,"Aphrodite promised. "Look at Helen and Paris. Did they let anything come between them?""Didn't they start the Trojan War and get thousands of people killed?""Pfft. That's not the point. Follow your heart."

"I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more efficiently, like the highly trained professionals do who run airport security."

"No one believes a liar. Even when she's telling the truth."

"Taking a break. Been working solid for the last few hours, as opposed to working liquid, which is more drinkable. Can I pour you a glass of productivity?"

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"Ginny!"said Mr. Weasley, flabbergasted. "Haven't I taught you anything? What have I always told you? Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain?"

"I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones."

"Man, you weigh a freaking ton,"he told me. "What've you been eating, rocks?""Why, is your head missing some?"I croaked. His mouth almost quirked in a smile, and that's when I knew how upset he'd been"

"Reading good books ruins you for enjoying bad books."

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start."

"Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both."

"The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to call some plays."

"His hair isn’t turning gray—it’s turning silver, and it’s going up in value. Aging is the best hedge against an inflationary fiat currency."

"I want to get the words "Courage"and "Bravery"tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me."

"If you can understand the humor in the drawing part you'll probably get the humor in the audio part."

"The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content."

"I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes."

"One in four people have a mental illness. You can be the one to make it two in four, if you’ll join me for a dance."

"I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids."