#Absurd

"Life goal: Swim in a lake full of soup, and instead of bathing suits we’ll wear Ziploc bags while we make love like we’re feeding the homeless."

"Children and dogs are the messengers of God some of us do not deserve them"

"The sides of buildings should be like the tops of lakes. I’d fish through your window hoping to catch a smile."

"I'm here at The Container Store looking for something large enough to hold all my love for her. It's a flood, so I hope they sell Shipping Container Ships."

"Both of the items were used in an attempted murder, but hers was a dagger, and mine was a baby’s rubber bottle nipple. That was the last time I took a stab at love."

"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."

"Her dancing inspires me to move. I used to be like a statue, and now I am more like a mannequin. So much more fashionable, you know?"

"I deal in the ideal idea. Buy, sell, or trade, I am offering the best prices on Love."

"If I told you that my global audience has shot up 100% in the last six months, what would you say? If you were to say, “So you went from one reader to two readers?” you’d be absolutely correct. And after I had congratulated you on your keen guess, I’d thank you for being 50% of my reading base."

"Hydrogenated and androgynous milky white love is all I have to offer you. Would you like me to pour it in your coffee, or directly into your soul?"

"I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before."

"Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast."

"Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion."

"To be invisible, paint yourself with the direct shade of zero. Leave nothing to chance, by taking nothing with you wherever you go."

"The phrase ‘popular science’ has in itself a touch of absurdity. That knowledge which is popular is not scientific."

"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."

"I didn’t give her my full attention. The bottle was half full when she started drinking. Still, from it she grew distracted, so my farming technique worked."

"A man devoid of hope and conscious of being so has ceased to belong to the future."

"Free running is wall dancing, and that’s why I do my best moves while sitting in a rocking chair. I like to relax dangerously."

"Silver is an investment. It’s like a second-place future. Makes me want to create Michael Phelps-flavored ice cream and eat a whole tub."