#Absurd

"My next breath may very well be in your lungs. Store it wisely, because my life depends on it."

"They should make cell phones that are dishwasher safe. My cup runneth over—especially since both our drinks are in one glass because I’m too lazy to load the shotgun."

"The storm is coming whether you’re aware of it or not, and whether you’re prepared for it or not. Thank God you have a man like me in your life, a man with a variety of umbrellas for sale in an affordable range of prices."

"I’ve spent a lifetime learning to love—the lifetime of a chameleon. But hey, I’ve learned a lot in the last year, though you couldn’t tell because I camouflage my feelings."

"I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even do it in my sleep."

"If I offer you a glass of water, and bring back a cup of ice, I’m trying to teach you patience. And also that sometimes you get ice with no water, and later you’ll get water with no ice. Ah, but that’s life, no?"

"If you converted a water fountain into a fire fountain, then you’d have what it takes to stoke the heat I have for you in my heart."

"Why aren’t red traffic lights heart-shaped? Probably because it’s not like rush hour can get any more romantic."

"My vacation wasn’t long enough—and neither was my penis. Two weeks is just too short to satisfy one woman all night long."

"A man devoid of hope and conscious of being so has ceased to belong to the future."

"I network like a salmon in a bear costume. Why swim upstream when the honeybee has all the flowers? Is anything more romantic than roses on a grave?"

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."

"I once tried to light a joint with a fire ant, but what did I know? I was high on glue and in the third grade, just like grandpa."

"Beauty is a whore, I like money better."

"77 degrees in the fall feels cold, and 77 degrees in the spring feels hot. That’s why I’m selling year-round-nudity for half-price."

"Applaud my idiocy."

"I like eating extra-virgin coconut oil. That’s like super non-fucked coconut oil."

"I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!"

"Networking is drinking the nectar of interconnectedness. And I’ve been drinking since noon, so I may need @ryanlilly to drive me home."

"Absurdity is one of the most human things about us: a manifestation of our most advanced and interesting characteristics."