#Absurd

"The chair I want for my office has wheels, so I can put it on my treadmill and get some exercise while I work. Likewise, we can’t let a love like ours just roll on by without trying to work things out."

"I make naked, and I make it by hand. I also make it using the rest of my body. Coming soon to a Walmart near you."

"Hoping to win the lottery to escape your existence is like waiting on a unicorn to give you a ride out of town. If you’re interested, I’m selling saddles."

"I walked to work. I paced up and down the bus looking for a seat. Next time I walk to work I’m getting on my treadmill."

"Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go."

"I love the sound of the trees in the breeze. If the forest is so clearly musical, why can’t it play the guitar while I sing Nirvana covers?"

"I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can't get to them."

"If you have a broken heart, I’d like to fix it. Repairs start at just $69. Special delivery charges may apply."

"A brick could make everything better for me. Now, if I could only find a way to get my hands on one. But it’s a silly dream, because I don’t have the ambition to get out from under my blanket and go out and grab the very thing I most desire."

"I don't want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much."

"In middle school, I got picked on a lot. But boy, it sure felt good to get picked, because who doesn’t like to get chosen and called out as special?"

"My feet are dense with dance. I move like I’m wearing concrete boots and I’m trying to tread water. If the music is salsa, I may start gargling."

"I used to sell hellos by the wave until I found out Dark Jar Tin Zoo was reselling them on eBay as goodbyes. Now I’m a yawn distributor."

"No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!"the man yelled. "Really?"said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?""What?""Oh, you'd like something simpler?"

"I dance so fluid you’d think I’m a fish. I don’t need to drink to be able to dance—I am the drink. Have a sip and find out for yourself."

"I remember discussions with Bohr which went through many hours till very late at night and ended almost in despair; and when at the end of the discussion I went alone for a walk in the neighbouring park I repeated to myself again and again the question: Can nature possibly be so absurd as it seemed to us in these atomic experiments?"

"When we make love, I orgasm much sooner than her. That’s because I know a shortcut on my bicycle."

"I always look like I’m lying. I was born with a politician’s face. You’ll know I’m in love when I have a Vote For Me look in my eyes."

"I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size,"and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too many families showered together."

"I leave my door locked and unlocked. You know, for stopportunities. As a lover, I’ve been known—and unknown—to be like Zeno."