#Absurd

"Every morning I push through the pain—and force myself to keep sleeping, despite my aching body’s cries to quit. I am a champion."

"I’m an only child, and therefore I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me, they wouldn’t even be parents."

"I’ll sit on a soda and drink a sofa. It’s just healthier. You should see how I make love. Show starts at 8:00. Tickets are ten bucks at the window."

"Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment."

"Prophesies are dark and don’t need a flashlight to illuminate. I’m a bring my own lighthouse kind of lover."

"Trophies are clutter at best, and weapons at worst. I prefer my awards heavy and with handles."

"Love is silence multiplied by noise and divided by two."

"I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning."

"Snow is not microwave friendly. In fact, snow is not too friendly at all, unless you first buy it a few beers. Then it’s just downright slutty."

"What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two."

"You haven’t seen nothing until you’ve seen zero. You also haven’t seen nothing until you’ve seen all the love I have for politicians."

"I am the broth of love. Make soup to me."

"If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers."

"Applaud my idiocy."

"Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film."

"Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag."

"You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ."

"I like coffee tables. I’m into drinkable furniture."

"I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am."

"Her love was too cold, like an anti-oven. That's called a freezer, and sometimes it burns food. She gave me heartburn, just like coffee, and it really woke me up to the reality of relationships."