#Absurd

"The thirstiest bird is surely the swallow. My love is so fluid I’ll bet drinking it would give you the gift of flight."

"Absurdity is the ecstasy of intellectualism."

"If you convert a shower curtain to a dress, I’ll wear my waterproof dancing shoes. Together we’ll move so fluidly people will line up to get cleansed."

"His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up."

"I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning."

"I’m taller in tolerance than I am in height. Barely. I’m only 6’3, so I apologize for not being more understanding."

"Is your Happy Meal full of dancing? Put a box around it and sell it to kids. They could use the exercise."

"Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment."

"You can’t win in love. But if you could, I’d be the clear victor. Vodka is also clear, and I must be drunk."

"At the age of four, I wanted to be eight. At the age of eight, I wanted to be 16. At the age of 16, when I started driving, I wanted to be a Ferrari. And now, at the age of middle, I want to be Stalin’s mustache and matching armpit hair. But only for personal reasons, not political."

"I'm here at The Container Store looking for something large enough to hold all my love for her. It's a flood, so I hope they sell Shipping Container Ships."

"Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup."

"Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film."

"Love is silence multiplied by noise and divided by two."

"I bought a faucet, but water wasn’t included. That’s like when you buy my love—it’s dirty and used, but soap isn’t included."

"She said she loved me, and I didn’t believe it for a minute. Maybe 59 seconds, but not a whole minute. I may be gullible, but I’m not without an accurate way to measure time."

"I wholesale wholesome, and sometimes I even halfsale it. But even when I halfsale, I still charge 100%. That’s the Zeno Discount."

"I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I’ll reply, “Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job."

"Some people grow cotton, while I have a t-shirt farm. The rainy season is when I get the most visitors."

"I want to sprint into her open arms, but I run as fast as two shoes tied together and thrown over a telephone wire. I’m like Roger Bannister, now that he’s in a wheelchair."