#Absurd

"His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up."

"I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it."

"I fight like a rocking chair in a boxing ring. That’s also how I make love. I should probably sell popcorn at my shows to boost revenue."

"My next breath may very well be in your lungs. Store it wisely, because my life depends on it."

"I let wine breathe. And I hold my breathe, so it can get all the air."

"I walked to work. I paced up and down the bus looking for a seat. Next time I walk to work I’m getting on my treadmill."

"The sunset faded and blended from pink to peach to mango in a smoothie in the sky. For as long as she doesn’t love me, I will love her."

"She said she loved me, and I believed her, because she was looking directly at another man when she said it."

"I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!"

"The phrase ‘popular science’ has in itself a touch of absurdity. That knowledge which is popular is not scientific."

"Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights."

"Knocking on a door is so violent. Instead, try talking to the door to get it to open up to you. I should write a self-help book for door-to-door salesmen."

"I like coffee tables. I’m into drinkable furniture."

"I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am."

"I leave my door locked and unlocked. You know, for stopportunities. As a lover, I’ve been known—and unknown—to be like Zeno."

"Some people grow cotton, while I have a t-shirt farm. The rainy season is when I get the most visitors."

"I just invented a device that eliminates vice. It looks like a bottle of booze, only it’s empty, because I just drank it."

"I don't like customer service, because I don't believe the customer should have to pay and help out too."

"To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients."

"My currency is kindness, and while there are no ATMs that dispense it, it’s also not accepted or recognized at strip clubs."