#word-junkies

"I spray-paint my underwear gold, because it makes me feel like a winner. When two people are in love, one is always in second place."

"Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers."

"My writing has appeared in the New Yorker and The Atlantic Monthly, though whenever the newsstand guy catches me scribbling my poetry in them, he always comes along later and erases it."

"If you convert a shower curtain to a dress, I’ll wear my waterproof dancing shoes. Together we’ll move so fluidly people will line up to get cleansed."

"I was gardening when I saw this snail/slug thing disguised as a leaf. Ah, isn't fall a wonderful time to slowly fall in love?"

"Buy one I love you for $3.99. Buy twelve for $48.00. That’s a savings of twelve cents—directly into my bank account. WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD—Objects not intended for individuals who tend to put forever objects in their mouths."

"Silver is an investment. It’s like a second-place future. Makes me want to create Michael Phelps-flavored ice cream and eat a whole tub."

"What if guns shot clouds, rather than bullets? Then they’d not only be peaceful, but they’d be delayed water guns. Is there a Nobel Farm Prize?"

"An empty ketchup bottle full of romantic quotes is just what I need to turn my cheeseburger into the perfect lover. Now you can get more romantic for an upcharge of just 69 cents."

"The middle finger is a great body language tool for letting people know you’re upset. Poetry isn’t quite as effective in a fit of road rage."

"Her beauty took my breath away, and allowed the spring breeze to fill my lungs with honeysuckle, jasmine, and desire."

"My advice to aspiring writers is to read more, write more, and network more. More, more, and more. Then, after you've done all that, do it some more."

"I don’t mind waiting rooms. I’m waiting on the love of my life, so I may as well have a seat, right?"

"I meet people to know I’m not alone. I network like an astronaut on the moon."

"I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep."

"I make furniture that can be used as weapons. The most dangerous piece of furniture is the Loveseat."

"How many seconds does it take to win second? As many as it takes to win first—if you don’t use them properly."

"You catch more flies with honey than you do with chopsticks. Let this be a lesson in love."

"I had a dream about you last night. I was alone on a dark night and you came to me as a firefly. I knew it was you because you were the brightest."

"The difference between a karate chop and a high five is the same as the difference between a knife and a paddle. My love can slice like a piece of pizza."