Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"

"If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?"

"Two become one when two are in love—or when the waitress asks about our dinner bill. I’ll pay next time, I promise."

"Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price."

"I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before."

"Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs."

"The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it."

"I’m always the last in love by exactly one person."

"It doesn’t take a hurricane to blow out a birthday candle. Let this be a lesson in love—and cake etiquette."

"A crate full of discreet would appear to be empty. But it’s not. It’s full of my love for you."

"Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling."

"Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon."

"Love is like a portable lamp/sex toy. The world calls those flashlights, but I’m much more romantic."

"Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs."

"He said he came in second place, so I assumed there were only two competitors. But you never know with love, there may have been a third party involved."

"Two empty chairs are not a good use of space. Fill them up with love."

"My love is rare, like a hornless unicorn."

"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"

"I wish every envelope enclosed a love letter. It’s this hope that leads me to open strangers’ mail. So you see, I’m a romantic, not an NSA employee."

"Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag."