Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

"Love is like a portable lamp/sex toy. The world calls those flashlights, but I’m much more romantic."

"I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself."

"I both made the knife-fighting team, and I got cut. If only love were so easy to understand."

"Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take them, so I may as well be unselfish and take the elevator."

"We made eyes at each other, and then we made love. We also made other things too, like meatloaf."

"I wrote an edible cookbook. The pages are made out of tortillas. It’s also the Book of Love. (Batteries and hot sauce sold separately.)"

"I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades ago."

"I’m running from the very person I’m chasing, and this is how I know I’m in love."

"Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling."

"You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself."

"Drink my Distraction Juice (not from concentrate). It tastes like love, only not so focused on just one ingredient."

"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"

"I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle."

"The race is long, and I am sprinting. If I ever see her again, I’ll probably be too out of breath to tell her I love her."

"Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground."

"I have never seduced a fish taco for selfish reasons. I am an altruistic lover."

"You can’t buy love, it’s true. However, I am offering mine for rent. Buy one year and get the next six months at half price."

"Life, it’s made up of two things—time and love. A watch tells one, but what tells the other? We tell each other."

"When we make love, I orgasm much sooner than her. That’s because I know a shortcut on my bicycle."

"I’d rather have 100% of 5 than 50% of 10—especially with love."