Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

"My nickname isn’t Scarface—it’s Scarf Ace. I make knitted neck warmers like I make love—one grandmother at a time."

"My nickname isn’t Scarface—it’s Scarf Ace. I make knitted neck warmers like I make love—one grandmother at a time."

"When we make love, I orgasm much sooner than her. That’s because I know a shortcut on my bicycle."

"I spray-paint my underwear gold, because it makes me feel like a winner. When two people are in love, one is always in second place."

"To become one who believes two become one, you need love in your life."

"I have never seduced a fish taco for selfish reasons. I am an altruistic lover."

"My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!"

"I am the three minutes of 180 seconds, and I don’t do refills. I’m a lover, not a farmer."

"In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense."

"She was washing all the dishes by hand, so I bought her a machine. I bought her a lawnmower. That’s what you do when you’re in love."

"Life, it’s made up of two things—time and love. A watch tells one, but what tells the other? We tell each other."

"Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights."

"My love is rare, like a hornless unicorn."

"You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself."

"Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag."

"Two become one when two are in love—or when the waitress asks about our dinner bill. I’ll pay next time, I promise."

"You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down."

"Asking me if I’m in love is like asking a mortician if now is the best time to die."

"We fell in love like two medium pizzas in one large stomach. I wish dad would have saved a few slices for us."

"I both made the knife-fighting team, and I got cut. If only love were so easy to understand."