#Absurd

"I’ll mark up my services 200%, and then offer them to you at a 50% discount—because I like you so much. That’s the Mother-in-law Discount."

"My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?"

"A circular table that spins around is a great way to make a romantic dinner for two with three people less awkward. I’ll pay for myself, I promise."

"His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up."

"I bought a faucet, but water wasn’t included. That’s like when you buy my love—it’s dirty and used, but soap isn’t included."

"My next breath may very well be in your lungs. Store it wisely, because my life depends on it."

"EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY"

"Myth, mist, and mystery all add to the illusion of love. If you need me I’ll be by the fog machine wearing a tunic and writing an epic poem in Greek."

"Squeeze out the competition—with hugs. I’m giving out FREE hugs while samples last. After that I’ll have to charge an arm and a leg—or maybe just two arms."

"An empty ketchup bottle full of romantic quotes is just what I need to turn my cheeseburger into the perfect lover. Now you can get more romantic for an upcharge of just 69 cents."

"I’ve changed, and she’s changed, but we haven’t changed together. We were in separate dressing rooms the whole time we dated."

"A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love."

"So many women are fighting to receive my love that Chuck Norris had to intervene, and instantly he was defeated by desire. #OutBoastKanye"

"To stay or to go, it amounted to the same thing."

"If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it."

"Peanut butter and jelly is like the older, more serious brother to egg salad sandwich. I’m an only child, so I eat both with incredible sadness."

"She doesn’t want me to leave, and she doesn’t want me to stay. That’s a double helping of Doesn’t Want Me, and one big I’m Not Hungry back at her."

"Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited."

"To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients."

"You could empty the trash and my love for you still wouldn’t fit inside. But just because it won’t fit, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t empty the trash."