#Absurd

"Success breeds slackery. And I breed in the backery of the bakery."

"My currency is kindness, and while there are no ATMs that dispense it, it’s also not accepted or recognized at strip clubs."

"Trees shaped like deer should not be ridden like benches if they get stuck up in other trees. No hunting farming allowed. Fishing only."

"When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing."

"I don't want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much."

"My love is powdered sunshine. Just add water. (Warning: Do NOT attempt to snort it or distribute as a healthy cocaine substitute.)"

"I give 110% in love. If that seems absurd, just know that I used presidential voting machines to calculate that number. It's totally legit."

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"I’ll sit on a soda and drink a sofa. It’s just healthier. You should see how I make love. Show starts at 8:00. Tickets are ten bucks at the window."

"The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg my friends to treat me that well."

"I just bought a bag of poetry, but it was mostly air. The author must have learned from the potato chip industry."

"If I offer you a glass of water, and bring back a cup of ice, I’m trying to teach you patience. And also that sometimes you get ice with no water, and later you’ll get water with no ice. Ah, but that’s life, no?"

"I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece."

"I feel like dancing. If I bring an extra wheelchair for you, would you like to join me?"

"Women should have nipples on their butts. From a design perspective, I think it would revolutionize the fashion industry."

"I just got done digging a hole shaped like a human body. But I have no idea what to bury. I’ll probably hide all my love for you, like I would with any other treasure."

"When I dance, I’m so fluid you could drink my moves. And if you sip it with your morning coffee, you’ll be light on your feet all day."

"Tennis is the only sport with love in the score, and that makes it the most romantic. I would be a player, but I wisely use the net to go fishing instead."

"I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that."

"What if guns shot clouds, rather than bullets? Then they’d not only be peaceful, but they’d be delayed water guns. Is there a Nobel Farm Prize?"