#Absurd

"Her and I, we have a two chairs and a table kind of love. You should pull up a feeling and have a seat."

"Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film."

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."

"The clouds are like marble in the sky, and I just want to make a kitchen counter out of the atmosphere. I can cook like a flock of birds."

"I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue."

"When it comes to Schopenhauer, I think I need a To-Go box."

"When I dance, I’m so fluid you could drink my moves. And if you sip it with your morning coffee, you’ll be light on your feet all day."

"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."

"I peddle my wares as fast as I pedal my bicycle and petal my flowers, and that’s why my sales growth seems so slow. But given time, my brand will be in full bloom."

"My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?"

"Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you."

"I observe Stand Still Day. I also observe whatever I’m standing in front of at the time. I hope on that day I see how much you love me."

"I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success."

"Women should have nipples on their butts. From a design perspective, I think it would revolutionize the fashion industry."

"To attract a lover, you need to craft the perfect Craigslist ad. Here’s mine: Free TV with purchase of potato chips and couch."

"Man has two legs and chairs have four, because we were made to stand out, not sit down—or be sat on. You are your brand—you are not a piece of furniture. Well, this applies to everyone except my grandma, but she’s dead, so she really doesn’t mind being used as a coat rack."

"I like eating extra-virgin coconut oil. That’s like super non-fucked coconut oil."

"I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are."

"Free running is wall dancing, and that’s why I do my best moves while sitting in a rocking chair. I like to relax dangerously."

"Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers."