#Absurd

"My next breath may very well be in your lungs. Store it wisely, because my life depends on it."

"Prophesies are dark and don’t need a flashlight to illuminate. I’m a bring my own lighthouse kind of lover."

"I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before."

"If I waste all my charity, all I’ll wind up with in the end is the wind. Still, I think I want to be the Dandelion of Love."

"Beauty is a whore, I like money better."

"Some people grow cotton, while I have a t-shirt farm. The rainy season is when I get the most visitors."

"You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself."

"I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that."

"His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up."

"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."

"If you find yourself thirsting for my love, don’t forget that I sell straws in a variety of flavors. What is the price of romance? Good question. Today only it’s on sale for half-off wholesale prices. Everything must go. My entire inventory of straws is being liquidated."

"I just bought a bag of potato chips. It was a smart buy, because when this world runs out of clean air, I’ll have plenty in that one little purchase."

"When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get back to it."

"My love is powdered sunshine. Just add water. (Warning: Do NOT attempt to snort it or distribute as a healthy cocaine substitute.)"

"Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup."

"The most absurd and reckless aspirations have sometimes led to extraordinary success."

"Hotel hallways should have conveyer belts for floors, so I can feel like a grocery item on vacation. I guess I’m just a romantic."

"I keep water in my pockets, as portable fish tanks. My love letters often get soggy with sentimentality."

"Taking a break. Been working solid for the last few hours, as opposed to working liquid, which is more drinkable. Can I pour you a glass of productivity?"

"Yellow flowers are like physical manifestations of sunlight. I’m growing a garden of sunglasses just to help save eyesight and make the world a little bit cooler."